LESSON # 18 - GOOD QUALITIES IN A POTENTIAL MATE
“For man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart.” - 1 Samuel 16:7
God created man for a woman and a woman for a man. So many single Christians struggle in trying to find someone that would be a potential mate and will often go through date after date without looking at the person from a godly perspective. The Bible is clear, Jesus wants us to be like Him and Jesus says that He looks at the heart of the individual, but do we? How do we look at what the inside of a person is? We watch their walk with Jesus Christ and not just their talk. It’s easy to fake a relationship with God, but time and trials will always prove who is who.
In our day life is filled with magazines, pictures, movies and models that project a fleshly image of something we want, but we don’t know what is on the inside. When we were young and it was the night before Christmas we could barely sleep, we were so excited, but on Christmas day we were not looking at how pretty the box, package or wrapping paper was we wanted what was on the inside. So it is with single Christians. We need to begin to search for someone who has the qualities of Jesus Christ on the inside. Looks fade, but a person who walks with God will only get better and better, it doesn’t mean they are perfect, but they can be the right match for you. Never forget that marriage is not a cure-all the Bible says it clearly: “But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. “ When you get married everything changes from relationships to family matters and don’t forget you are marrying into a family and taking on another family. It is also important to know a desire to be married is not ungodly the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 7:28 “But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned.”
So many men and women go to Church to find someone to date and this is the wrong motive right off the bat! Satan has bait waiting for you if this is your motive for going to, joining a Church or getting involved in a ministry at Church. They will look like what you want but not be what you need. Satan always knows what you want but God always knows what you need. Satan is ready to give you what you want and God is always ready to give you what you need. It is also important to understand that you cannot buy love. No matter how many gifts you give you cannot make a person love you by material things. A person has to love you for you, not your ability to supply materialistic things. The Bible says in Song of Solomon 8:7 “if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned.” If you don’t recognize this you are setting yourself up for failure and the ability to be used and manipulated and not even notice it. Sometimes we are so hungry for a relationship that we will take any contenders or anyone that shows interest, but we don’t know the motives of their heart and that’s what God wants us to look at. God may allow relationships to fail in order to teach you that the outward appearance is not merely as important as what is on the inside. Love never comes from looks; it comes from Christ-like character for a single Christian. So what are some (not all but some) of those characteristics that we should look for in a potential mate?
1) A Real Relationship with Jesus – If a person has a phony walk with God you cannot expect him or her to be faithful to you. The person that God would have you to be with will have a passion for Jesus Christ and will be busy doing the will and work of God. The plan of God must be important to your potential mate and if it isn’t that’s not the right one, no matter how much you want them or try to justify their actions. The right person will ooze love of God, they will be so in love with God that they have the ability to overlook you and anyone else just to get to Him and if you are offended that you are overlooked for another person to get to God, you need to sit down and wait, you might not be ready for marriage. The person will simply be a prime example of what a person with a passion for Christ looks like in the flesh; though still imperfect. Remember to watch their walk before their talk. Anyone can talk Christ, but it costs to walk with Christ.
2) A Prayer Life – Communication is the foundation of a relationship; there is no doubt about it. If the person you are trying to “hook up with” has no prayer life with God, he or she won’t know how to communicate with you. We learn godly communication and talk by our personal time with God. It’s also important to know without two people who have a solid prayer life the relationship wont withstand the storms and trials of life. If they only pray around you, you may be with a carbon copy not a genuine document. The real godly potential mate will pray with or without you. Prayer is real. Prayer is needed. Prayer is vital and if prayer isn’t a source and stream flowing through their life you would be wise to back away.
3) Kindness – The Bible says in other versions of Proverbs 19:22 “Kindness makes a man attractive.” However, don’t confuse kindness with simply showering you with gifts and being nice with a motive to have sex with you outside of marriage. Kindness is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) and the kindness that would make a person attractive is Holy Spirit produced. The fruit of the Spirit should be constantly produced in their life. Their walk with God by the power of the Spirit should make you look at your walk and say “I need to get myself together.”
4) They Believe in Jesus Christ – The Bible is clear we should not date non-believers (2 Corinthians 6:14). If we are dating someone who isn’t a believer we are in rebellion to God and though it’s hard to do, you must break it off to get into the will of God and find a godly mate. We should never seek to develop a relationship with anyone who isn’t a real believer in Jesus Christ and it’s important to know that you cannot pick a man or woman with the concept that “you can convert them.” The hard truth is they may convert you; they may cause you to backslide and completely walk away from Jesus. Jesus said “don’t be with non-believers” as a warning and a command not merely a suggestion. If they see you compromise your faith you will lessen your impact on them coming to Christ. The hard truth is if they don’t believe, don’t advance or even try to start a relationship with them.
5) Generosity – If the person you see isn’t a giver and is very stingy that is a red flag. They may spend money on you, but if they don’t give money to godly causes and their Church they may have motives that are not of God. Generosity is a sign that a person is growing in godliness. When Abraham’s servant was searching for a mate for Isaac he prayed for a sign and the sign was that the woman would water his camels and it takes a lot of time and work to give camels water. She was generous (Genesis 24). Generosity is a great characteristic.
6) A Commitment to Fight Sexual Sin – If the person you are trying to pursue or being pursued by doesn’t have a desire to remain pure until marriage, get away from them as soon as possible! God is clear the will of God is to “flee fornication” or sex before marriage (1 Thessalonians 4:3). If they don’t honor God in that area they are outside of the will of God and if they are outside of the will of God they have the ability to drag you outside of the will of God as well. Never forget that God wants you to stay pure until marriage, fight temptation! Fight and don’t give in, set boundaries and don’t cross them in testing times and there will be testing times and times where sin is available as a test from God. God wants to make sure your faith and desire for sexual purity is real. Fight for sexual purity, it is a blessing from God.
7) A Beautiful Spirit – Something about them should show a sign of godliness, something more than meets the eye. They may not line up with your “single list” where you list all your qualities, sizes and shapes that you want, but they will have something that you can’t quite describe and that is godliness found by spending time with The Lord Jesus Christ and submitting to Him daily. Gods mate for you should have a “sparkle” in their eyes that glorifies The Lord Jesus Christ.
8) They Are Not Hungry For a Relationship – If the person you are pursuing or being pursued by is so strong willed on being with someone that is a bad sign. The Lord wants to teach us contentment and for single Christians that is often the way God produces this great quality and characteristic in our lives. Contentment as a single Christian prepares us for a godly marriage in the future. If the person is single and lacks contentment they will bite the bait of Satan’s choice for their lives. If we can’t be content single we won’t be happily married. And if we aren’t content single we will “make a person the one we are called to marry” by self-delusion and demonic deception. Be content in all things, single Christian God’s got you!
9) Faith – The person God desires of you will have a strong faith and a committed heart! If they don’t have a strong faith they will fail you in times of need. If they don’t immerse themselves in the Word of God they won’t know how to truly love you because if they don’t know God who is love (1 John 4:8) they will not be able to show you true genuine godly love. A man or woman of faith, real faith is a great sign because when the storms come and they are committed to you they will stay committed to you because they love, honor and respect Jesus.
10) Imperfect – Whenever we think of “the one” or getting married we tend to think everything will be perfect, but that isn’t true. Nobody completes each other and nobody is perfect. You will marry an imperfect person who gets on your last good nerve at times and a person who makes you so grateful to God at other times. Any other mindset is insanity and unbiblical. You have to accept the fact that a person will have many flaws, but if they are truly following The Lord slowly but surely those sins or what we like to call “issues” or “habits” these days will fade away in time. If you marry or date a person hoping they will change you are making a huge mistake. You cannot make someone change, only Gods Spirit can bring someone to change. God never promised you to marry Jesus in the flesh, so don’t allow a “false view of a man/woman” allow you to over-look God’s potential mate for you. The truth is we don’t have it all together and nobody does, so let’s show some grace in our partners and choices. Just because you see something you don’t like doesn’t mean they don’t see something they don’t like in you either. The relationship that will be godly and that will last will look like this (your name here) JESUS (their name here). A lasting relationship is a male and female who desire to make their marriage a representation of Christ and the Church as stated in Ephesians 5.
11) Similarities – You should have certain similarities in your relationship concerning things you do or don’t do. If you don’t go to the club why would you even consider dating someone who enjoys going to a club? If you read the Word of God and love it and they refuse to listen, why even consider it a “God match?” You have to have things you want to do together and you have to learn how to enjoy them together. You can’t love and pursue something and the other person hates it for what it’s worth. You have to find areas in which both of you can “blend” or “mix.” All in all you want a best friend. The most successful marriages are when two best friends unite under the honor and reverence of marriage in Gods eyes. If you know you couldn’t be their best friend, don’t date them and certainly don’t marry them. It could end up in divorce. Your relationship should be like a friendship that is awesome in quality. You should also probably try to be friends first before making any relationship matters, just to get to know what they like or don’t like. Do you have any godly similarities? If not, move on. If you do, what are they?
A warning is needed, if a person does not know God who is love how can you expect them to love you without knowing what real love is? Never forget if a person doesn’t know how Christ is to His Church he/she won’t know how to treat you in your relationship/marriage. That relationship is designed to glorify Him. Marriage is for a man and a woman and marriage is solely made for the glory of God and the glorification of Jesus Christ on this Earth. In addition if you are a woman applying the aspects of the Bible is vitally important, but God gave a hint to what a godly woman looks like in Proverbs 31; check it out!
Many people confuse love with lust and being in love with infatuation. Time and prayer reveals the purpose and motives of people’s hearts. If The LORD wants you to be with someone, you will be. If you have that desire it will come to pass, but it won’t come if you are cold-hearted towards women/men in general. A past hurt shouldn’t stop you from a future blessing and if you have built walls no man can leap you will hurt and hinder the person God wants you to bless and help.
What are some other signs that the Word of God states as good qualities for a potential mate?
What would you like to improve in yourself so you can be a great helpmeet if you are female or husband if you are a male?
What do you desire most in your spouse? Are you willing to do or be the same for the person? If not, why?
Are you familiar with how Jesus treats His Church? Marriage represents that and God desires that a marriage would represent Him and His Church (Ephesians 5:21-25).
Are you ready for marriage? Be honest. If not, why?
If a person “just like you” came up with the same type of issues, insecurities, instabilities, etc., approached you, would you date them? In essence, would you date yourself? If not, it’s time to work on you and allow God to prepare you for marriage.
Father I pray in Jesus Name for the Spirit to give me discernment and I thank You in advance for warning me from the tricks and snares of the enemy. Lord, lead me to the right person and help me to be the right person. Lord, if it’s Your desire to allow me to marry let it be a marriage that honors you and brings glory to Your name as it reflects Jesus and the Church as recorded in Ephesians 5. Lord, if Your desire is for me to have children let them be raised in the ways of God through my life and my spouses. Lord, let my marriage last to prove to the world that Jesus is real and He can hold a relationship together. Lord, let the vows be true and let it glorify You in Jesus Name. Amen.